Change is Change

Recently we had a “change experience” that reminded me, again, of how unsettling change can be even when it is great news. To the left is my darling grand-daughter, Hailey Elizabeth. She is 2 and ½ years old.

Below is our brand new grandson, Gavin. He was born on Monday. Hailey was not sure exactly what was happening at first and what "baby Gavin" actually would mean to her life.









On Thursday last week, I took Hailey out for a little one on one time. We had a great time getting our nails painted and playing. On the way back she started to get mad! I said, "Don't you want to go home and see your mom and dad and baby Gavin?" Her response: "No mommy, no Daddy, NO BABY."

It cracked me up! Poor darling was weary of this new new situation and wanted her "princess - one and only - status back immediately." Two and a half year olds are great at letting go (a lesson for us all) so by the time we got to her house she was happy to see her mom and dad again. She was especially happy to show off her newly painted finger and toe nails and she gregariously shared the stories of time with Grandma. Her parents were wonderful to acknowledge and support her by giving her the appropriate attention filled with "ahhhs" and "wows." She still is a little unhappy about all the attention the baby is getting from her mommy, but she will adjust and she loves helping with the baby most of the time.

While this change in Hailey's life may seem small; it is big for her! If we were to really pay attention, we would know that many of the people around us are having their own "change experience" that is big to them. I once heard something that I have never forgotten, "Treat the person you meet as if they are in trouble and you will be right more than one half the time." After hearing this comment, I really started to pay greater attention to others and I have found that it tends to be more true than not. Think about those you know of right now that are worried sick about a teenager, those that are dealing with sick parents and who may need to be put in a nursing home, those with family members who have cancer or serious health problems, or who are dealing with the loss of a job or a failing marriage for starters. When we choose to really see each other, we see people doing the best they can with very difficult changes and difficulties in their lives.

Regardless of the kind of the change experienced, good or deemed not good, change is hard and sometimes life is difficult! As leaders, parents and friends there are a couple of things that help people get through change and difficulty a little more smoothly:

1. Be truthful about the situation. This is especially true if you have greater perspective or information. Delusion only prolongs the pain. (Baby Gavin is living at your house with you!)

2. Show individualized consideration. Good leaders and parents (who are also leaders) pay special attention to each person who is in their stewardship. Individualized consideration primarily consists of two important things; listening and mentoring.

• Listening: Listening is never over rated. Proverbs in the King James Version Bible says, "Incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding." This suggests that we gain wisdom by working to understand with our hearts as we listen. Making it safe for others to share their feelings, fears and vexations helps them to be more open and honest, acts as a diffuser for pent up emotion, and in the end, engenders trust and confidence.


• Mentoring: This consideration is given to individuals by providing opportunities to be a part of the change and enabling growth and development that facilitates higher levels of human potential. (You are an amazing big sister and you are so good with Gavin! You went on a date with Grandma all by yourself and got a pedicure - that is really a big girl! Do you want to help wash Gavin's hands?)
  

As for the changes in my life....I hate them! :)

Perfectionism: Virtue or Vice?

Being a perfectionist is a good trait, right? You get things done "the right way." Nothing gets by you or goes unnoticed. You can make anything better. Your projects are always meticulously planned and implemented. You personally ensure there are no mistakes. What could be wrong about that? Nothing except the “cost” to yourself and to others; rarely discussed, the dark side of perfectionism.

While thinking about this post, interestingly enough, I was viewing a program on the history channel this weekend about “the 7 deadly sins” and in the discussion of “sloth” perfectionism was mentioned; perfectionism leads to procrastination, which in turn leads to sloth. Procrastination occurs of course, because if it has to be done perfectly. We rationalize: I need to ensure it can be done with my proper attention, or I need to ensure I get complete agreement and all input possible to the idea from my boss (or my spouse or whomever) before moving forward, or I need to read a particular essay or email over and over again and/or wait until I have all the latest information before sending it, or I can’t make a decision until I am sure that I have all the research available on the topic. The rationalizations are endless.

On a practical level the cost to perfection is worth considering:

1. You’re wasting your time and other’s time. Is it really necessary to triple and quadruple check everything? Is it worth having everyone wait for your approval? Is it worth having others re-do something because it is not exactly what you would have done? Productivity and leadership are suffering at your expense; as a perfectionist, this should trouble you.

2. You’re not getting things done that could get done! Have you considered the things you don’t do, the things you don’t pursue or you procrastinate doing because you’re worried you won’t do them right?

3. Perfection is unattainable. This is obvious. But somehow easy to forget. Repeat it often!

4. This is really important: Perfectionism is primarily motivated by fear. Looking perfect and maintaining its facade becomes about “not being found out and superiority.” It’s making you scared of mistakes, of opening up, of being human. This is holding you back from what you really want to achieve. Start to fear regret of missed opportunities and deep relationship more than mistakes.

At Maxcomm, we sometimes use the contrast below to help fellow perfectionist see the difference between maintaining the “image” of perfection, because in the end that is all perfection can be in this life – an image, and manifesting potential. The quality of our life experience is dramatically different from each frame.

Perfection------------------------------------------Manifesting Potential

(Image)---------------------------------------------(Being human)__________________________________________________

No room for error-----------------------------------Learn from mistakes

Motivated by FEAR of loss ---------------------Motivated by love for opportunities

Fear of Failure---------------------------------------Excitement/fun/humor

Calculated safety-------------------------------------Calculated risks

Judging/Comparing----------------------------------Support/Acceptance

Controlling ----------------------------------------Extend gifts and influence

Bottleneck/procrastination---------------Create opportunities and enable action

Results only (perceived by me)-------Results/Journey/Relationships/Experience

Unfold your own myth, without complicated explanation,
so everyone will understand the passage,
we have opened you.
Your legs will get heavy and tired. Then comes the moment
of feeling the wings you’ve grown,
Lifting.
---Rumi

Fully Living: Life and Leadership

In times of uncertainty, it can be easy to "cocoon in" and take a "wait and see" approach to living. While it can be wise to "wait and see" in the matter of "things;" how a stock is doing before investing, for example. It is important to remember that while "things" can wait, be postponed or put on the back-burner, this is not so with the significant actions of our life; our character, our integrity, our leadership.

The opportunity to show up and make a difference when it is most needed is what a full life and leading is all about. Sometimes our fear drives us, in turbulent times, to sit when we need to stand, to be silent when we need to speak up, to sell out a colleague because it feels less risky, to take credit for a team members work because we need the job security; you name your temptation. All of it keeps us from our best self. Our best weapon against fear is belief; belief in our self and belief in a universe that has supported us to this very step, and why not another?

So, to the experience of fully living - our life and our leadership potential. This poem by Dawna Markova:

I WILL NOT DIE AN UNLIVED LIFE BY DAWNA MARKOVA

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

How much is a Trillion?

David Schwartz's is a math whiz and writer. He wrote a children's book to help kids wrap their heads around big numbers; the best seller: How Much Is a Million? 20th Anniversary Edition (Reading Rainbow Book

One of the way he teaches is in exchanging dollars for time. This one, that my husband shared with me, blew me away! With a recent 3.5 Trillion dollar approval by the house and senate yesterday, it is TIME we started thinking about what the ramifications are and David's way of teaching provides the insight.

One million seconds = 11½ days
One billion seconds = 32 years

Now for the whopper...Guess how many years one trillion seconds translates to?

One trillion seconds = 32,000 years

We are getting somewhat used to the "Trillion dollar" figure. As responsible citizens it would be good for all of us to make sure we know what the exponential consequences are to each trillion that gets thrown around!

As always, I look forward to your thoughts and reactions!